During an event, I witnessed a very interesting
conversation that transpired amongst some Nigerian
millenial women (probably in their early-to-mid
twenties) regarding finding “Mr Right” and
marriage.
One of the women present, a 24-year-old pretty
Ibo girl who already has a thriving career (let’s
call her “Ada”, expressed concerns about finding
a good husband. Ada asked her peers present,
what it would take to find a man who wouldn’t be
intimidated by her success. She also stated that
she always wondered when/how/where she would
find a husband, as she’s an Ibo girl and “time
isn’t on her side.” In addition, she mentioned that
she was under pressure from some of her family
members to get married.
Some of the other women present at the event
advised her to disregard the pressure she was
experiencing and just be patient about finding a
hubby.
After hearing Ada express her concerns about
marriage, I felt the need to address this issue on
my blog.
Here is some advice on the issue from my own
perspective. Again, I’m NOT a relationship or
marriage expert. However, I believe that sharing
my views about this issue may help someone out
there who is worried about marriage.
My thoughts on finding the right husband are as
follows:
Don’t look for him. He will find you
I believe that when you are truly ready to meet
your God-ordained partner, he will find you when
you least expect it. You don’t have to go hunting
for a man. I really don’t believe that seeking love
should be a stressful affair. Love yourself. Stay
true to yourself. When you are ready in God’s
eyes, lifetime bae will come.
Put God first
The mere fact that you love someone doesn’t
necessarily mean you should marry them. Put God
first. Pray about the person and ask God if he is
truly the person you are meant to be with for a
lifetime. From my experience, you will get the
answer to this question in unique ways. God may
blatanly give you an answer via dreams and
visions. Or you may suddenly find yourself in a
particular situation with your partner, and judging
by the way you both react it, the answer will
become clear. The answer may also come
seemingly serendipitously while you are interacting
with other people in your everyday life.
Don’t compare Your Man with Your Friend’s Man
You never know what’s going on behind closed
doors in anyone’s relationship. So don’t go
comparing your partner with anyone else’s. For
instance, let’s say your partner is very materially
wealthy. He pays all your bills, gives you a
monthly allowance, and takes you on shopping
trips around the world. But then you have a friend
whose partner isn’t as wealthy as yours and
perhaps they split all their bills 50-50, but it
appears that what he lacks in finances, he makes
up for with touching acts of love and heartfelt
displays of affection – a quality you may feel like
your own partner doesn’t have as much of. Then
you start to feel envious because you want more
of what you friend’s partner has. Don’t do that!
Be content with what what you have. Longing for
what someone else has ultimately leads to feelings
of discontent, which may prevent you from missing
out on the fact that your own partner may just be
husband material.
If he encourages your success, he’s a keeper!
You don’t need a man who feels intimidated by
your success. Rather, he should encourage you to
be the best version of yourself in all areas of your
life. Even if you are doing better than him
financially or career-wise, he should be proud of
you and keep encouraging you to excel even
more.
If he’s showing signs of jealousy or a controlling
nature due to the fact that you’re doing well,
please run away fast and don’t look back. Do
NOT think you can change him during marriage.
I once had a friend that experienced this same
situation. Her fiancé had never liked the fact that
she made more money than he did, and he was
actually very vocal about his displeasure. However,
due to pressure she had put on herself to get
married at a certain age, she convinced herself
that she could work on changing his mindset
during the marriage. Sadly, this was not the case.
Under the guise of wanting to be her sole provider
and be a good husband, when they got married,
he convinced her to quit her six-figure salary job
and be a housewife. And that’s when his true
colors really began to show. He started to
emotionally and physically abuse and manipulate
her. Well, that marriage didn’t last up to a year,
because she filed for a divorce after she realized
that no amount of fasting and prayers would ever
change him.
Don’t succumb to family pressure
Easier said than done in many cases, I know. But
the truth of the matter is that often times, this
pressure is exerted for selfish reasons. Many
parents want to feel proud to tell their friends that
their daughter is finally getting married. They want
to organize an elaborate wedding to boost their
own egos, sell aso-ebi, and just be all-round
“extra.” Girl, remember that wedding only lasts for
one or two days, and the marriage lasts for a
lifetime! After parents, friends, and wedding guests
have finished eating all the small chops, jollof rice,
nkwobi, amala and gbegiri, they will go back to
their own homes to their own families. You will
subsequently be left alone with your husband. You
may never even get any phone calls from many of
your so-called “aunties” and “uncles” after the
wedding to check on you to enquire about how
you are coping in your new home. NOPE. Once
they digest and poo out the small chops, you
become a distant memory in their minds. So why
get married to please them or anyone else?
I once heard about a woman who found out the
day before the wedding that her husband-to-be
(whom parents had “arranged” for her by the way)
was cheating on her with an ex girlfriend. She
told her mom she wanted to call off the wedding,
but mommy was like “yo dude, we’ve paid for the
hall, cake, food, people are attending from out of
town, just manage for now and sort it out during
the marriage.” LOL.
Anyways you get the point. DON’T MARRY TO
PLEASE YOUR FAMILY. Do it on your own terms,
how and when you want to do it. Who cares if
you are over 30 and unmarried? Marriage is not a
competition. Or an achievement. Don’t let family
and society brainwash you.